"Would you like a children's menu?"
Not an unusual question to be asked in a family friendly cafe, you'd think.
But you normally would anticipate hearing it long before you'd been there for a thirsty while trying to pick something hungry children will eat from an adult menu.
(yes, yes, I know in pre-Boys days I believed I'd feed my kids mini adult meals to develop their palates and widen their horizons. I didn't reckon on them having different ideas)
We should really have paid heed, but on a wet blustery Sunday in March there isn't much choice for lunch in Millport.
On its own the food, while basic, would have served its purpose, but it was the Fawlty-esque service that drove me to blog.
Panther was told his tea was just coming moments before he paid the bill.
I ordered a chicken salad and received a smoked salmon and prawn parcel starter sized.
The lady at the table next to us was told they had no tea or coffee - which might have accounted for Mr P's thirst if they had to nip to Tesco's in Largs for some PG tips.
At the other end of the room a confusion of soup was causing mayhem: too many, too few, to cold.
Meanwhile another forlorn complaint: "I didn't order this, but it'll do because I'm starving and we've been waiting ages."
So to the Beacon Cafe in Millport - well done on being open when few others were, but, really, do you think you'd have been better not bothering? It would have probably been more pleasant all round.
Further up the road the Ritz, fabulously unbothered by the urge to modernise and update, offered sunny efficient service, good coffee and cracking ice creams.