Thursday, 28 January 2010

Let's improve the country starting with dog poo, burping and text rage

Chris Evans has inspired me. That's not something you'll hear me saying very often, in fact, I don't believe I've ever said it before.
He's no Terry Wogan, but I haven't switched Radio 2 off yet. I'm quite enjoying the sensation of not quite being able to define exactly the quality that Mr Evans lacks.
This morning he was on about a Citizen's Manefesto for the, not yet announced, general election.
The idea is simple; what policy would you like to see implemented that doesn't require either wads of cash or witchcraft yet improves our lives?
He mumped on predictably about motoring ones - jail for middle lane hoggers and speeding amnesty in the early hours.
But it set me thinking and here are my suggestions.

Doggy-Do DNA.
Ok, this one isn't exactly free, but I believe it would be self-funding. It requires every dog owner to register their mutt's DNA on a central database. Unregistered dogs will be confiscated.
Then kits are issued to everyone else for collecting dog poo found on the pavement, your shoe, your garden, the park, basically anywhere it shouldn't be. Simply post off a tiny bit of turd in a special envelope to a DNA testing lab.
Boffins in white coats will easily figure out whose dog crapped and the owner will be fined enough to cover the cost. That should stop them.

Mandatory manners
Here we have the Politeness Act 2010. It covers table manners - no elbows on the table, cultlary will be held properly and not waved around, pleases and thankyous observed and eating at a table as a family at least twice a week enforced by law.
The bodily functions section deals with burping, farting, scratching and unattractive rummaging.
There's a clause on public spaces and events. This is likely to address rustling in theatres and will include a return to capital punishment for mobile phone use in some circumstances.
Unwarrented skin exposure will be clamped down on. This should bring an end to the scandal of builders' beer bellies and women's cornbeef legs. Special funding will be given to police to enforce this section in the first warm spell of the summer.
Lastly, the cornerstone of the Act will be its stance on noise pollution. Campaigners are keen to see it it cut out slurping, chewing loudly and sniffing.

Mobile Communications Diclosure
This is a new set of bylaws making it compulsory to reveal who just texted, tweeted, mailed and what they said if the message made the recipient smile, sigh, raise an eyebrow or stay pokerfaced in a really obvious way. This will diffuse frustration and avoid "who the hell was that from?" text rage.


  1. can i throw in (or throw out) low slung jeans? i want them to be gone before my kids wake up to fashion. if shark comes home and squeezes herself into a pair of skinny leg hipsters with a muffin top, i'm emigrating.

  2. How about not talking so loudly in a restaurant that the other guests can't hear themselves think?
    But elbows on tables..I think I'm guilty!

  3. I have to confess to sniffing. My mum still tells me off for it.
    But could we add not talking so loudly in a workplace that the people who are actually doing the work can't concentrate?
    And not leaving the desk to take a call on your mobile - particularly when you talk so loudly anyway that you could be heard in most parts of mainland Scotland without telephonic intervention - should really merit some particularly vile punishment.

  4. Death sentence for littering?

    I saw that Chris Evans in a restaurant once. To my complete astonishment he was quite sexy .....

  5. Grit, Hello and, yes, by all means, of course you can. Low-slung jeans of all manner would be banned. That also includes those really baggy ones that defy gravity. What do they hold them up with?

    That's Not My Age and Debbie, yup - talking that loudly anywhere, in fact.

    Deb, I've never noticed the sniffing and I'm quite sniffphobic. The flatulance on the other hand...

    Sophie, Really?! And, yes, hang the litterbugs.


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