Thursday, 29 April 2010

Gordon Brown: the rest of the tape revealed

We all know what happened when Gordon Brown got into his car after his chat with 66-year-old Gillian Duffy in Rochdale yesterday. But did you know that the Prime Minister kept the mic on all evening? Here's what you would have heard if the tape had kept running:

Some grunting and very thumpy rhytmical noises. Then singing becoming more distinct - a Scottish baritone perhaps.
"We're off to see the Wizard, the Wonderful Wizard of Oz. If ever-a wever-a wiz there was... "
"Agggh. Ow, my toe! Who put this bloody box here?"
"It was me dear. Sorry."
"Ah Sarah, there you are. I've had horrible day. And now you trip me up leaving boxes around where you know I like to copy the moves from Over The Rainbow."
"Sorry, Gorgeous G. I thought you'd have been back ages and had plenty of time to watch the programme by now."
"I had to go to ruddy Rochdale again, didn't I?"
"Oh? Did you?"
"Stop pretending you don't know. You can't have been too busy smiling knowingly at working mums to have heard, surely."
"Hmmm. Yes, well. I did hear something. Poor Gorders, I'm not surprised you're a little grouchy. Come here, hunkster."
Muffled slurpy noises.
"Better now, Big G love?"
"Yeah. Bit. Now go away I've still got ten minutes left before we find out which Dorothys get the chop. Look, that orange one is so going to blub when ALW puts the boot in. I just love it."
"If it makes you happy, sweetie. Now I'm off to try new variations of coloured tights with my summer shoes. I really don't know why the election couldn't be in a proper season like midwinter or something."
Click, shuffle, thump, thud.
"Somewhere over the rainbow, weigh a pie. There's a land that I heard of, once in a lullaby. Somewhere over the rainbow, skies are new... "
Sigh. click.
"It's blue. Not new."
"I know that, but I'm just practicing."
"What do you mean?"
"Well I have to be careful of the words I use, apparently. 'Blue' is a word associated with David's lot and 'new' is one of ours."
"Oh, I see. What about 'bigoted' is that usually one of ours?"
"Sarah, don't go on. I've had enough of a telling off from Mandy and the others."
"I'm sure you did. But what happens with the yellow brick road?"
"I'm working on that. Mellow brick? hello brick, smell o' pr... "
"Best keep working on that one honeybun. So, I'll let you get on. But watch out for the box."
"What's in it? More coloured tights?"
"No it's a new box set off Amazon. The Thick of It. Supposed to brilliant."
"Never heard of it."
Breathy humming and shuffling.
Phone rings.
Phone stops ringing.
"Gordon, it's Sky on the phone. They're wondering if you've still got their mic... ."


  1. or, if you are aged 10, your theory is that when gordon brown gets home he wears a dress and eats helium for tea.

    i have to say cameron doesn't fare much better.


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