Monday, 15 November 2010

Who's been shitting in my bed? (apologies to Mrs Bear and her family)


A long time ago when I was young and the possibilities were endless, I sneered (affectionately, of course) at people who got cross about dog poo.

That's because I had such an important life to live, that I didn't imagine I could ever be deterred from my path by something as, well, ordinary as a misplaced turd. My then boyfriend, who later became husband and, subsequently, ex husband - whole other story... - edited a newspaper in a scenic, but spectacularly un-newsworthy part of Scotland. The biggest and most ferociously debated topic was canine crap - specifically the irresponsibility of leaving it and responsibility for clearing it up.

We would never have lives dull enough to have time to care about muck, let alone write letters on the subject.

Many years later (Ok, at least 20), I'm becoming obsessed. My dull life doesn't cover it - the fixation with the dung deposits in the back garden is overwhelming.

If Michael J Fox was to happen past in his DeLorean, I would leap inside and go to visit my 22-year-old self and slap the smugness out of her.


You see, something is visiting my beautiful vegetable beds almost every night and relieving themselves there. Day after day the pristine compost (or whatever that stuff the garden chap put there is) is decorated. (Yes I know there aren't any vegetables in them yet... it's just the planning stage is going on a little longer than I'd hoped.)

I never see the culprit and I don't think it's next door's dog. @foodiejools, who is, apparently, wise about these things, reckons it might be a fox. But I've seen Fantastic Mr Fox and think the whole affair just not stylish enough to be a vulpe visitor.

I considered posting a watch (AKA standing in the garden for ages) to catch whatever it is sauntering in with a rolled up Daily Star in one paw but that would be cold, boring and probably a bit drastic.

I thought about putting up a fence, but I've already learned that fences are expensive and prone to blowing down in gales.

What then? Putting up with it is possible, but it's not nice and, if Boy Three is at large, probably not safe.

I've read that some scents deter loiterers with lavatorial intent. Lion wee or was it vinegar? The Panther has manfully volunteered his services as the next best thing.

So what's the answer - find some Zen-line sliver lining to this steaming heap or go round to the zoo with an empty bucket?

8 comments:

  1. It drives me nuts, especially when it gets on the wheels of the buggy. I haven't heard about any vinegar type deterrents but we did put up one of those sonic sound thingys to stop cats & dogs pooing in our flowerbeds and it worked! (not much I can do about the buggy problem though *sighs*) Jen

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  2. Oh, I might try a sonic thingy.

    My grand plan is this: launch national doggy DNA register and then if poo is found it is tested and the owner fined. A sample of offending ordure and a camera photo offered as evidence to central agency, Ofcrap if you like.

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  3. You laugh at your (inspired) OfCrap option - Milton Keynes already have a private detective on the case, dealing with their dog poo issues...
    http://bit.ly/a6J0K7

    Perhaps you could tempt him north of the border...?

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  4. Cough...

    http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-453259/Homeowners-turn-lion-dung-rid-birds-nests.html

    (disclaimer, I did the PR for that, but the tale was legit and AFAIK you can still get the stuff)

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  5. This drives me bonkers too - we have deposits from three or four cats from different sets of neighbours. I bet their gardens are pristine!

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  6. You have my sympathy. There's nothing worse than misplaced turds. We've just had to replace all of the bark in our garden because our three farm cats decided it was the perfect place for a latrine. I suggest a vigil and a powerful water pistol.

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  7. ehmummy, excellent idea - I'll have a look at that. Doggy Doo Detective.

    Craig, thanks, is that at zoopoo.com?

    Trish, it's infuriating, isn't it?

    Mags, we have quite an arsenal of water pistols so I might just...

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  8. You can buy plastic spikey strips, several in a pack, which are designed to discourage cats from coming over fences and walls into your garden. A couple of them in the right place migt deter, or you criss cross string backwards and forwards across the bed. Mxx

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