Tuesday, 28 August 2012

Things women are supposed to like but don't really

My son - I'll bet you don't give a hoot
Years ago I had a boyfriend whose mother used to feed me ice cream, gallons of it. I learned to greet each huge bowl of vanilla with convincing enthusiasm as I slurped it down.

I can't remember where it started, but she believed I adored ice cream, so she always got it in specially. It seemed harmless enough at first and I didn't want to hurt her feelings, so I smiled and swallowed.

But as time went on I started to dread the mounds of creamy stuff I was supposed to scoff. Was I forever to be the girl who loved ice cream - never to be offered cake, biscuits or even a salted peanut?

Thankfully for all concerned, except perhaps the local ice cream shop, the relationship collapsed like a choc ice left out in the sun.

Lately, however, I've been reminded of this feeling. You know. Pretending to love stuff you, at best, feel ambivalent about.

Cake.
Particularly cup cakes. There seems to be some collective be belief that being in possession of a vagina means the inability to think straight in the presence of sponge with icing on it.


Shoes.
Ok they don't answer back and always fit even on fat days. But most of us would struggle to sustain shoe-based enthusiasm for more than about five minutes. You put your feet in them after all. 


50 Shades of Gray.
Badly written not very porny porn. OK, we have all read it but only to see what the fuss is all about - and now we all know it's just a bit rubbish. We're certainly not soft headed enough to be driven to the brink of a sexual revolution by this mince.


Brad Pitt.
Maybe once, in the Fight Club years, but not now, not with the straggly hair and all the weans.

Puppies and kittens. 
Awww cute. Now, back to our interesting conversation. We all know they only stay cute for about five minutes before turning into big animals that scratch furniture and stick their bums in your face, or poo inconsiderately and lick their balls noisily. Grown up pets just aren't interesting. At all. 

Hairless men.
Apparently in 2012 we are supposed to find men with no hair on their bodies sexy. It's fashionable for blokes to exfoliate, unfortunately our libidos don't do fashion. 

Children. 
Just because we can bear them, doesn't mean we can bear other people's. Clearly there are notable exceptions, but, mostly we just don't care about your kids... ours are much more interesting.




24 comments:

  1. Can I add shopping to this list? Pre and post child.

    Also make up, it's a pain to apply and takes half the day to get right (I still wear it regularly)

    Being spoilt by man in a fancy restaurant, we all think we like it but half the time the only advantage is no washing up. (I'd much rather a portion of chips by the river)

    Cats...(may just be me)

    Other women (this is possibly just me again)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh yes, shopping. I'd forgotten about that. And makeup.
      I was thinking about adding soaking in a candle-lit bath, but thought that was maybe just me.

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    2. That's another; I hate baths, they take too long. prefer a shower.

      Also can I add chintzy homestuffs especially cushions and candles! And those stupid letters that spell home or love etc

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    3. Chintzy stuff definitely gets my vote. Don't mind a comfy cushion (as long as it doesn't have flowers on it) or a nice smelling candle (though they are a bit of a faff - maybe I like the idea better than the reality...).

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    4. I think that's the thing - we like this stuff fleetingly not utterly as popular opinion would have.

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  2. Love this post! I could have written this! I hate shoes, they get muddy and smell. 50 SOG well I have not read it and will not. And I hate kittens and puppies! SO funny :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks. Maybe all us kitten haters should come out of the closet.

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  3. Just off to draft things men should like but don't! Will include stag nights, cars and women who like the things you have listed above.

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  4. Heh - brilliant post, Ellen.
    I really (no, *really*) hate cupcakes and all the girly fuss around them. And I hate even more that they are, rather bizarrely, associated with social media.
    As for hairless men? Couldn't agree more. Natural hairlessness is absolutely fine. But waxing and shaving? Gimme a break. It's enough of a pain in the behind to shave my coupon every day (if my beard wasn't scarily white, I wouldn't even do that).
    Here's one for you though. Surely very woman loves a specially formulated, lady friendly pen (in pink or purple)?
    http://www.amazon.co.uk/product-reviews/B004FTGJUW/ref=cm_cr_pr_top_helpful?ie=UTF8&showViewpoints=0

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I don't like slim ladylike pens in pink or purple. My hands are chunky and I like pens to be likewise in Green

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    2. Thanks Scott. I think you've hit the nail on the head with social media being behind it all. It's added so many other, quicker, cheaper ways to patronise and spread BS.
      But, lady pens, oh my!

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  5. Excellent post and totally agree about Brad Pitt! I do like the odd cup cake though! X

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    Replies
    1. Thanks. Some men ripen, but Brad has gone off the boil totally.

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  6. Bags over shoes any day.

    Anyone who knows me knows I don't do cats or dogs or any other animals. In fact, until recently kids used to be in the same category as cats and dogs. Everyone presumes that, as women, we inherently like children. I don't, never have. I am the girl who, the moment a baby entered the room, left quietly through the nearest door. However, I knew that my own kid I would love, plus she is cheeky and entertaining (just full of a bit too much energy for my liking).

    Hairless men are creepy but so are very hairy ones (especially the ones that wear half open shirts with a big medallion!), a nice in-between is just about right.

    50 shades, I will not bother, the moment I heard my MIL saying if you stick with it the writing seems to get better, I knew there was no way I would ever read it. I have much better things to do with my time, thank you very much!

    I've always been a Keanu girl myself ;)

    GREAT POST!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks.

      Hmm, I wonder what Keanu's up to these days.

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  7. NEVER understood the shoes or Brad Pitt thing.
    I only ever have about 3 pairs of shoes - 2 smart pairs and 1 pair of scruffy ones for kicking around the house in.
    Brad? Nah. Gimme someone a little less pretty with a little more personality - like Jim Carrey.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Three pairs of shoes is impressively minimalistic!

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  8. Haha... this is so true! Although I do love other people's kiddies too (you can give those ones back! ;-)

    I hate "Chick flicks" too... can we add that? Makes me feel murderous rage!

    xx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh yes. Where some foolish woman can think of nothing else but getting a man and marrying him.

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  9. Brilliant post that I agree with totally and all the comments too, apart from babies and toddlers either home grown or borrowed (sorry I just love em all). I've not had time to come by for a while but so pleased I read this post :-)

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    Replies
    1. Nice to see you. I can arrange for surplus children to be forwarded to you, if you like. Just temporarily of course!

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